Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Returning to me

I feel as though it's been years, but last night was a moment of pure me-ness. I associate a certain creative drive with myself and when I get into that flow I feel so at home, so alive.

Usually, I struggle with fear and self-doubt, particularly when it comes to crative projects. Sometimes I think through things so much and I second guess myself so much it becomes paralyzing and any project I start moves forward at a snails pace as I stop to consider over and over again.

According to this tiny book I got on a whim about my astrological sign, if I wasn't given enough reassurance that I was loved and worthwhile growing up I would develop phobias that I would have to overcome as an adult. I don't put a lot of bank on the stars, but this time the shoe seemed to fit. I was given love as a child, but I was also torn down a lot too. Sadly I did not develop adequate faith in myself and my abilities, despite my outstanding talents. As always, knowlege is power, so now that I know I'm phobic it's cause and it's result, it was time for me to push through my fear and do. (My little book also says that I can do things I'm afraid of, it's one of my traits.)

So last night I did. I had a little project and I worked on it, and when I stopped to consider, I didn't doubt, but just solved the problem at hand and moved forward. When I got tired at 6:30pm I laid down and slept and when I awoke around 9:30pm I got up and worked. I then lost complete track of time as my creation came to life before me, and as dawn broke through my window, I realised I was home. How long it has been since I've forgotton time like that? I finally began to feel tired again around 7am and then I laid down to sleep and when I woke again around eleven, I was spouting poetry to my arrival with consciousness.

Poetry, painting, stories, creativity that takes away my awareness of time. This is my happy place. Now I just need to work in eating, yoga and laundry and I will have a perfect life. Thank God for last night. May I have a million more like it.


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