Monday, April 23, 2007

The Zuel problem

stupid blog - I can never remember my password.


My head is a spinning mass of vertigo right now. I'm not sure if it's sleep deprivation, stress, anxiety or the usual self-loathing I have towards my own weaknesses.

Today I hugged a friend, a man friend, and it was weird. If you are a woman and you've hugged a man, have you ever gotton a sideways hug? The one where they are attempting to hide how happy they are to be close to you? Yeah, well that's not the one I got today. He appeared to want me to know exactly how happy he was to be giving me a hug. Well, I've always kind of admired a guy who wasn't ashamed of his feelings, even those kinds of feelings and sideways or not, there's no hiding that kind of thing in a hug.

So the loathing? It's very obvious I'm liked more than a little bit by this "friend" of mine (his words and actions all saying the same thing). He isn't hiding it, but I'm sort of paralysed in the face of it. I give him the back off on the enthusiasm talk, make sure he knows, I love my husband, I like him as a friend only... And I try to avoid touching him and I tell him not to touch me, but in the end if he says, hey give me a hug goodbye, I'm like OK, I've given my friends and family hugs goodbye all my life, then there it is, and I'm feeling a little weird about it. The self-loathing part of me is the part of me that kind of likes the fact that I can give a guy a hard-on without even trying. That the occassional man falls for me despite all my protestations (maybe because of them?). Usually once the situation gets obvious like this, I just stop talking to the guy, avoid his calls, avoid him. But I hate that part. Why I can't I just be real honest to goodness friends with a man? Why is it that men can seem to keep themselves under control? You know hands off the married woman?

Sometimes I think something I do or say brings this on me? But I don't know what. I know I'm cute, but I'm not that hot. I mean there are many, many women out there way more smokin' hot than me. So what makes me so incredibly irresistable. Do I flirt really well unintentionally? When I say, I'm unavailable, do they think I'm playing hard to get? Is it because I like to be nice and I don't like to be mean and I don't want to disappoint anybody? Is it because I generally like and am interested in people? Maybe it's because I give hugs goodbye to people, or because I sometimes slap somebody on the knee when I find something funny and I'm having a good laugh? Maybe I smell too nice? Maybe I sit too close? Maybe I smile too much? Maybe it's because I make eye contact with people? Maybe it's because I'm smart, or maybe because I have a sense of humor?

Whatever it is, this has got to stop. I like to be liked even loved, but this kind of thing just sucks. Where are my damn boundaries? So I'm hoping this "friend" of mine finds some smokin' hot woman to share his affection with so he can chill out around me. But I can't count on that, so even though I like this person, and the only thing that sucks about him is that he likes me too much and ain't shy about it, I'm going to tell him it's been nice but he have to join the rest of the men that I've had to say goodbye to permanently, because they just don't seem to understand what it means to be a friend with a woman. And I don't think I can take on the responsibility to teach him. It's too damn hard... hard....heh...

Stupid men. I think I've found a nickname for this kind of man in my life...Zuel. The first time I went to the Ritz club when I was 13 years old (it was a 16 and older club). My friends and I were boogying and this guy comes up and asks me to dance, so I'm like, ok. And so we are starting out with the typical junior high school dance, my hands resting on his shoulders and his arms around my waist as we sort of rock back and forth in a circle, making small talk, but next thing you know, his arms start creeping around, up and down my back and I'm thinking, "what the?...ewww." But I politely finish the song, politely make some excuse and duck out then avoid him for the rest of the night. I said a dance not a slimey back rub. Sheesh. He introduced himself as "Zuel", I seriously doubt that was his real name, but it was a kind of "gothy" club. It has all gone downhill from there...except for the good boys. God bless the good boys. I wish they were all good boys.