Saturday, December 16, 2006

I was going to go to the movies tonight by myself. My husband is studying. But I changed my mind. I feel bad that this blog of mine, that I'm extraordinarily unattentive to, is for the most part just a spewing ground for when I'm in my aggravated moods. When I'm happy, I'm rarely tempted to sit and type. I like to be out and about, strolling the city, calling friends and leaving them messages that leave them wondering about me, dancing around the house or painting.

I've had a weird energy lately. It is a feeling that things are really pretty good for me now. I'm trying to push away the little gremlins that are trying to bug me. I hate to think it, but when things are going pretty good for a while, I feel like I'm just waiting for lightening to strike. How does one teach oneself to just enjoy happiness. I'm the hardest person for me to live with some times. Why am I so hard on myself? And here I go again... spewing.

But what is a blog good for if not to spew a little. So many people voice their frustrations on their blogs. So many people seem to want to change this or that about the world. I know I do. I think everyday about the way I'd like to see the world change. For one, I'd like to see a more equitable distribution of funds when it comes to education or even better funds for education tipped in the favor of the most needy. I'd also like to see more compassion among man kind. I'd like to see profitable businesses actually share the wealth with their employees instead of over compensating their CEOs. I'd like to see more dignity in government and people more interested in finding a solution than fronting or argueing. I'd like to see our government actually looking out for the best interest of all it's people, particularly those who have been the victems of abuses or who are in dire need of a leg up. But I could go on and on like this, as I'm sure many can. Every so often, I look at the bad things that go on in our world and I think, you know, it doesn't have to be that way! It could be different, if people would just be willing and would let go of just a little bit of their selfishness, in the long run it would be better for everybody, and there would be more good to go around.

God help us. I really hope mankind can find it's way.

My wandering spewing blog, and this when I'm anxious, but actually pretty happy, overall. I want to change something about myself. I want to start doing yoga, and I want to eat more healthy. This coming week, I'll see what I can do to change. I just wish I had more money. I could really use some classes. Money is such an enemy to me most of the time, if only I had more of it.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Damn what a day

You know every day passes and my heart is stricken with anxiety over my impending doom, but the crazy thing, is my doom is my resurection, redemption and survival. Like God's light shining from heaven above, the hopes that smart me are the same that promise me a way out of the foggy world in which I live. The fog of seclusion and and the crawling parasite of poverty.

All I want to do today is to go see a friend and I can't. I hate can't - can't is the worst word I know. It isn't entirely true...I could have bought a train ticket spent a couple hours or so getting down there and then cajoled my husband into bringing me home after his class because the train doesn't run back that late. But it would have eaten half my day and a little chunk of pocket change. Or I could've rented a car, which would have meant more money than I can justify spending right now. On the same note, I don't need a car to do my laundry either. I can just put it in a bag on my back and walk with it the 4 blocks to the laundromat. I really want a working car again. But I think, if I had a working car. Maybe I'd be less obsessively focused on getting my grad school applications out the door with as meticulous attention as I am able to give them. I think that this is gonna be my way out, my ladder to the world of betterness.

Oh, I desire perfection! But is there such a thing? I strain after the impossible every day. I want it, oh I want it. I'm horribly arrogant and humiliated almost in tandem, or more like the two race one another, one pulling ahead, then the other, neither able to outstrip it's competitor and the race never ends.

The perfect life! I'd be warm and fit and healthy and not hungry and dehadrated. I'd feel like I had time and a desire to cook at meal times. The cigarette smoke from my neighbors late night vigils would not seep into my bedroom through the floorboards and wake me with its stench. I would be able to afford to buy CDs of the music I like. I would be able to have friends as a daily part of my life, that I would see in person. I would be productively creating beautiful artworks that are highly sought after and my dancing would be full of grace and meaning. I would be able to do the splits and I wouldn't ever feel paralized by anxiety. I would be able to talk to my neighbors. I would never let another person's apparent disdain of me get under my skin at all. I would have clear glowing skin and no trace of cellulite or bruises or vericose veins in my legs. I would be able to run fast and laugh often and make it through a yoga routine without resting 20 times. I'd have a place for everything and everything in it's place. I'd have color on my walls. I'd have all the artwork I own and want to display in elegant frames and hung on my walls. There would be no rodents in my house or feezing drafts that chill my toes right through my socks. My husband would be around often and would enjoy relaxing activities and romance and we would share mutual friends who are intellectually stimulating and fun. He would be happy and enjoy his work and feel fulfilled by it. No one would refer to me as unemployed. I'd be respected. I would have a beautiful home and a garden with herbs and help with stupid things, like housework, dishes, gardening. I'd have a little family of my own, with children that love me and that I haven't screwed up and that I can take care of because I have the means. That's perfection. I'd never feel like I can't anymore. I'd know there is a way, there is always a damn fucking way!

Oh dear God in heaven help me find my way or let me stop minding the cold.
Aaaggh, I'm freaking out! Why? Waaaaa!