the other blog

shoot...I've actually blogged a lot lately (relatively speaking). Brain splooges all. But I will share a secret. I've been keeping some of my stuff in my lover's blog accross town here:

http://slooshish.livejournal.com/

Oh, blogger.com, do you feel betrayed. You just don't fill all my needs...

stimulation

What is it about creative people that makes me feel alive and aware? One weekend alone spent in the company of dancers and musicians energizes me to the point where sleep seems almost completely unecessary, an inconvenience and a burden at best. I become stimulated by the energy of it all. It's as though the vibration that eminates from the strings and hollows of musical instruments penetrates right into my core making my soul vibrate. And the heat that is generated by dancing bodies warms and invigorates my own body and urges it to move ecstatically. These effects seem compounded by the creative and harmonious output, a soulful undertaking to which I desire to contribute stimulation.

so fleeting

What was my redemption the night before is the bane of my existance today. The project that was a gift of inspiration and which seemed to stop time has now become a slow drudgery that moves at a snails pace. I'm full of anxiousness and frustration and I just want to get out and run and run and run right off a cliff.

I haven't been in a more suicidal mood in some time. Not to worry though, my current suicide attempts are little more than obsessively trying to finish my project myself to death. At least it feels like it can kill me.

I feel so guilty. I feel like my time could be so much better spent doing, well, my laundry. And today is the day that I do it or die. Suicide by unclean wash....I wonder if anybody has died that way. I have one remaining pair of clean underwear in my drawer now, so the project I'm obsessing over will have to wait until I can do it with clean wash.

I'm in a very dangerous mood. I nearly spent $300 on Victoria Secret sale underwear, the only thing that stopped me is the thought of more sparkley duds I could spend that same $300 on should I ever make it to Egypt like I planned.

I'm off!

Returning to me

I feel as though it's been years, but last night was a moment of pure me-ness. I associate a certain creative drive with myself and when I get into that flow I feel so at home, so alive.

Usually, I struggle with fear and self-doubt, particularly when it comes to crative projects. Sometimes I think through things so much and I second guess myself so much it becomes paralyzing and any project I start moves forward at a snails pace as I stop to consider over and over again.

According to this tiny book I got on a whim about my astrological sign, if I wasn't given enough reassurance that I was loved and worthwhile growing up I would develop phobias that I would have to overcome as an adult. I don't put a lot of bank on the stars, but this time the shoe seemed to fit. I was given love as a child, but I was also torn down a lot too. Sadly I did not develop adequate faith in myself and my abilities, despite my outstanding talents. As always, knowlege is power, so now that I know I'm phobic it's cause and it's result, it was time for me to push through my fear and do. (My little book also says that I can do things I'm afraid of, it's one of my traits.)

So last night I did. I had a little project and I worked on it, and when I stopped to consider, I didn't doubt, but just solved the problem at hand and moved forward. When I got tired at 6:30pm I laid down and slept and when I awoke around 9:30pm I got up and worked. I then lost complete track of time as my creation came to life before me, and as dawn broke through my window, I realised I was home. How long it has been since I've forgotton time like that? I finally began to feel tired again around 7am and then I laid down to sleep and when I woke again around eleven, I was spouting poetry to my arrival with consciousness.

Poetry, painting, stories, creativity that takes away my awareness of time. This is my happy place. Now I just need to work in eating, yoga and laundry and I will have a perfect life. Thank God for last night. May I have a million more like it.

Procrastination

I'm really good at it. In fact I'm doing it now. I feel a little overwhelmed today. I think I'll finish a bunch of stuff instead of sleeping tonight, that way when morning comes, I'll feel ready for it.


Ah, the venom of night, how I delight in it's poison, and how it makes my head spin in delirium. How I crave it's sweet air and its lonely mysteries. I like to wander into night fully alive and battling at that line between duty and passion. I love and envy those people who live nights of music and fire. I carry that fire in my belly and it burns my head and my eyes. It is sure to bring tears tomorrow, tears of sheer exhaustion. Sweet venom.

For Yummy Skin

I love my esthetician. She is the best. Slowly but surely my problem skin is becoming a glowy healthy organ, despite my insomnia and haphazard water intake.

I would tell you her name here, but that would give away my neighborhood. If you already know me and my neighborhood, then all you have to do is look up the only organic day spa in town.

I will give you my current skin care regimin though.

Morning:
-wash with the remainder of my dermologica dermal clay cleanser (which will be replaced by an organic cleanser as soon as I run out)
-moisturize with Lotus Moon's D20 moisture mist followed by Lotus Moon's citrus honey clarifying lotion.
- supplement with The Eclectic Institute's Vital Force multi-vitamin and The Eclectic Institute's Burdock Root (freeze dried, vegetarian capsules).
- eat organic yogurt (ususally with frozen blueberries mixed in), for the acidophilus.

Night:
-wash with the remainder of my dermologica dermal clay cleanser (which will be replaced by an organic cleanser as soon as I run out)
-moisturize with Lotus Moon's D20 moisture mist followed by Lotus Moon's citrus honey clarifying lotion.
- treat my skin with DermAware's End of the Line (it's a chemical peel that exfoliates and reduces my wrinkles).
- treat my skin with Lotus Moon's blemish control gel on my problem acne areas (I just ordered Visual Changes sulfur sal gel that I think I might replace the Lotus Moon's blemish control gel with. It also has salicylic acid like the Lotus Moon product to treat my blemishes, but I also found the sulfer to have an extra soothing and healing property when I used it in the past, so I think it is a little better.)

About bi-monthly I go in for a facial with my esthetician at this beautiful little organic spa.

And there you go. Now all I have to do is exercise, do my yoga, sleep at night, eat healthy and drink enough water and I will have perfectly healthy skin!

:-)

What a beautiful lazy day. I will have to do some painting today or I will feel riddled with guilt. What a beautiful day. I feel so peaceful and hazy. My head feels heavy, but I'm happy to be alive.